Help and Healing

Hello again. This page is all about you, not me. I will try my best to answer all your spiritual questions, relying on my dead spirit guide Bob to offer support from loved ones that have already passed over. If you would like to ask a question and have it answered here, please use the rather obviously titled "ask a question" link on the menu at the top of the page. Please understand that I'm really very busy and can't answer all your individual emails, no matter how much money you offer me.

Your questions....


I cry at the slightest thing, every time anyone is around me I feel overwhelming emotions and sometimes just break down in tears straight away before they've even said anything, just from looking at them. I have tickets to come to your show in Brighton and want so much to meet with you Symon. I think that maybe you can help to stop this suffering, I must be an empath or something.
Yours forever
Kirsty M

It's Simon, not Symon. I'm not a detergent. Perhaps the reason you cry as soon as you see people is because they dress better than you? Are you a George shopper or an Armani shopper? I've heard there's a slight difference, although I wouldn't know as I have everything hand tailored for me in Italy, even my socks. I don't think that meeting you in Brighton would be such a good idea, especially if the crying thing is based on feeling inferior to someone. I wouldn't want to have your nervous breakdown or mental shutdown on my conscience.

Dear Simon
Please could you tell me next weekend's lottery numbers? My finances are in dire straits and there are wolves at the door! I promise I'll give 10% of anything I win to the charity of your choice!
Kind regards

Well Peetah, that's an interesting name... were your parents troubled Scrabble enthusiasts? Let us get one thing straight here, if you have all your money tied up in Dire Straits and you're having financial difficulties... sell your shares or have Knopfler buy you out. I'm sure that, since their popularity died several decades ago, the last thing he'll want is to share any repeat fees or royalties with an idiot who lives in the woods. I must also recommend that Attenborough person on the BBC who will hopefully confirm that there are no wolves in the UK.

Hello Simon I am Nadia and I am 9 years old and live with my granny sinse mummy and daddy went up to heaven to live with Jesus. I saw all your shows on the television and want to meet you and Bob. Please say hello to Bob for me and keep up all of the good work you doing.

Hello Nadia, I'm terribly sorry to hear that your mummy and daddy have passed on to the world of spirit. I don't think they'll be living with Jesus in Heaven though so you may want to suggest to your granny that she doesn't fill your head with nonsense if she wants you to have a fulfilling life like mine. As much as I would love to put my hectic schedule on hold and cancel some shows to spend time eating imaginery sandwiches in your bedsheet tent in granny's house, I make a point of never even having eye contact with anyone under the age of 16 as you never know what lies they'll come out with to get a slice of your fortune. I passed on your good wishes to Bob, but he says he doesn't know you, sorry.

Simon, I saw you on Places That Look Haunted On Screen last night and wondered if you could please take some time to visit my home? We have strange noises in the middle of the night, like creaks and clicks and wondered if you could excercise our home for us. We're all huge fans, David from Ealing.

David, try watching something more current. I've not had anything to do with that miserable bunch of charlatans since I rose above their mediocrity several years ago. Have you considered watching terrestrial television rather than the umpteen different LovingTV satellite monstrosities? I digress. To answer your question, no I certainly won't be visiting your home. Get a plumber.

Hi, can I please have tickets to your show in Scunthorpe? My nan and I are great fans of yours and would love to meet you for a one on one reading!! Emma

Emma. Does it have Ticketmaster embroidered on my hand tailored Chinese silk Armani jacket? Somehow I don't think so. Buy one like everyone else. You clearly have no comprehension of the word "fan"... short for "fanatic", and if you were "fanatical" about me then you'd sell your nan to buy tickets for my shows instead of trying to scrounge them from me. With regards to a one on one reading, I turned down a request for a personal reading with Elton Jack so what makes you think you're above him? I'd recommend buying my last book "If You Were As Good As Me (You Wouldn't Need This Book)" to discover all manner of reasons why my reply is a resounding, and fairly obvious, no.

Simon, please help me! I've been having terrible problems getting out of bed in the morning and suffering from a debilitating stiffness that won't go away. I think I may end up losing my job if I can't do something about it. Thank you for helping me. Greig in severe pain.

Hello Greig, what's the weather like there in Severe Pain? I sympathise with you greatly on this one as I used to have a terrible time getting out of bed in the morning because of terrible stiffness. Thankfully, as a hugely successful celebrity with a ridiculous amount of cash, I no longer need to get out of bed until 3pm most days. Try pornography for the stiffness and get a better job so it doesn't matter.

Hello Simon
I saw you many years ago in the Guild Halls and wondered if you remembered me? I was the woman in the second row that had a terrible cough and you very kindly asked the security people to take me outside to make sure I was ok. At the time you were asking people in the audience if they could take someone called "John" who had died from something around the head or chest area and that was known for his sense of humour.

Obviously, as I left the auditorium to go with the nice security people, I wasn't able to say anything at the time but that was my uncle Jack you were talking about. Everything you said was amazing, his name was John... well it wasn't actually John but when I was a young girl I used to visit him and his next door neighbour was always there watching football with him and his name was John. Everything else was just as accurate, he died from a head trauma when a blanket box fell on his head (so it was a head injury BY a chest, you were twice as accurate!) and he was always smiling so you were right about the sense of humour.

The reason I'm contacting you just now is because there's a lot going on in my life at the moment and I'm looking for some advice and help. I wondered if you'd be able to contact John again and ask him what I should do?

Your friend and follower forever, love and light
Jean, Mid Glamorgan

Jean, you were asked to leave because the constant noise was doing my head in and the person behind you looked as though they were about to smack your head with their shoe. John just spoke to me and he said to do that thing you've been wondering about.

Simon please help me. I am going to commit suicide tonight. Will I go to heaven and live out all eternity with my loved ones or will I go to hell?
Ginger, Rugby

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you on that one Ginger, am I wasting my time by replying? Let me know.

Helo Simon, is my nan ok? She died two months ago.

"Helo" Stella. Thanks for providing all that accurate information so I could talk to the spirit world and find out how your nan is after her demise. Unfortunately, I may be psychic myself, but the dead aren't. They can't help you if you hold back NAMES, PLACES, AGE and other trivial unimportant stuff like that. Jesus Christ.

Dear Simon, can anyone study to be a phsyic or do you have to be born special?

Judging by your question, you were clearly born very special. Are you asking me how one studies physics or how to become a psychic or, have you found an entirely new field of study that the Western world is yet to hear of? If so, please enlighten us all.

Please help me Simon. My four year old son has gone missing and nobody knows where he is! Could I please send you one of his worn sweaters and ask you to find him for me? It would mean the world to me.

Does it look like I have "Sniffer Dog" tattooed on my forehead? Call the police, they're good at that sort of thing. When I was four years old I was already saving the world.

Hello Simon. I'm not mental, but I'm a psychic. I know where to find a murderer!! He killed someone in a field and left them to bleed to death. Her name was Gloria and the killer's name is David. He killed her with a boulder to the back of the head and then took all her money. I even know his address because she came to me in a dream and told me everything. She also told me that there's an electricity bill with his details on it under her body, but the police haven't found her yet. Please phone me and help me to bring this ruthless killer to justice. I'm not mental, I'm psychic.

Calm down. You know the killer's name and address? The dead lady told you? You know how she was killed, where she was killed, what she was killed with, and you're saying that the killer left behind a valuable clue with his name and address on it? And you need me for WHAT reason, exactly? You don't need to be psychic to know how to dial "999" woman. Start with nine, then push it twice more. That's less than four times and more than twice. Tell the nice policeman what you told me and everything will be ok, I'm sure they'll believe every word of it.

Hello Simon, thank you in advance for reading my email. I am contacting you because I am able to take photos of the dead every time I use my digital camera. No matter where I am, what time of day it is, or what I'm taking photos of, I always end up with orbs all over the photos. I have taken these in to The Photo Shop on my home computer to enlarge them and see what they are and when I do I can see faces in the orbs. Most of them are happy faces but some are really not happy at all.

I was wondering if perhaps we could get together some time and I could show you my talent for capturing spirits with my camera? Perhaps we could analyse the photos together in The Photo Shop while we are taking photos and you could talk to the unhappy faced orbs and see if you could maybe cheer them up a bit? Maybe they're sad because they need to get a message across to someone that they left behind? I want to use my gift of being able to photograph the dead to help people, just like you do with Bob your guide. You never know, it could be fate that I am writing this email and maybe we'll end up working together?

Yours in anticipation and brightest thoughts
Sally, Derby

Sally, I think your camera is shagged.

Hey there Simon, it's Gladys!

We used to be in the same psychic circle in Scunthorpe back in 1982 remember? We called ourselves the Scunthorpe Seers and you went by the name of Lincoln Greene? I was the one that always ended up in hysterical fits of laughter during the first tense moments whenever we had a seance, remember? What great times we had back then, I particularly remember the time we performed a seance for the local nursing home and you managed to levitate a tuba right in the middle of the room!! I knew back then that you would go on to great things, and I always wished great happiness and success for you. Maybe it was my daily prayers that helped you get where you are, you never know lol. The rest of the people in the Scunthorpe Seers always thought I was the best psychic in the group with the strongest connection to spirit, yet here you are all famous and a celebrity while I'm still doing the churches. Fate is a strange creature.

Anyway, my reason for writing to you just now is because I have a terrible pain in my head and the doctors don't know what it is. I've been to a load of specialists, but I keep getting told that they can't find the root of the problem. I'm at my wits end and thought I'd touch base with my good friend and see if you could maybe do something for me in return for all my prayers for you?

Love and blessings always,
Gladys from The Scunthorpe Seers

Hi Gladys, yes I remember you well. How could I forget. God knows I've tried, and thought I had until you emailed me today. Thanks. So none of the specialists can help you eh? Nevermind, you said yourself you were the best psychic in the group and everyone else thought the same. I'm sure you can work it out for yourself. Fate is a strange creature.

Please help me Simon, I am a compulsive eater and have been ever since both my parents died in a fast food accident. Can you please help me to get over my loss and stop comfort eating by putting in me in touch with my parents?
Brian, County Antrim

You're confusing me with Paul McKenna. Don't.

I need help, I can't sleep at night because every time I try to go to sleep I can hear voices!!!!!!!! Sometimes they're just a big rabbly noise but sometimes I can actually hear what they're saying, and it's not nice!!!!!!!! One of them last week told me to kill my mum and blame it on my dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I going to do??????? Arrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!! Help me Simon, you're my only hope!!!!!!! Adam from Liverpool aged 15.

Great movie, Star Wars. I think I can help you out here, the link below should solve your problem for you. Good luck.
Click HERE Adam

Dear Simon

I am 11 years old and all the other boys at school laugh at me because I still don't have any hair down there. They have all got hair and they've all grown over the summer but I've not. They call me "baldy hobbit twat" and "mini pee" and other things that I don't understand. Some of them have even kissed girls, but all of the girls just laugh at me when I try to talk to them because of my stutter.

Please tell me if it will all get better soon. I love your work on Places That Look Haunted On Screen And That's Good Enough For Us and can't wait until I'm old enough to come and see you on tour.

I love you so much
Thurman Merman

Herman, don't worry... soon you'll grow up and leave school, You'll likely end up on the dole for years until you get a job parking cars at Waitrose. Then you can save up enough money to get a 99% mortgage on a house that you'll never be able to afford so you can impress some woman that stacks shelves on the night shift. One day you'll answer the door to the plumber and it'll turn out to be one of those tall hairy boys from school who's now earning £300 an hour to scratch his arse and sniff his fingers while he tells you that it'll take all day to fix that leaky pipe so he can spend the day pounding into your wife. Something else to look forward to eh?

Simon, where have you been all this time?

Looks like someone found an Open University pamphlet on "Existentialism for Idiots" in their Frosties this morning and thinks they're Sigmund Freud. On your best day, you couldn't even come close to Emma Freud on her worst day, let alone Sigmund, so don't waste your breath or my email bandwidth.

For your information, such as it matters to the likes of you who have no concept of eternal omniscience, the question should not be where I've been but rather why you haven't. I would recommend that, rather than spend your day finding solace in the bosom of those of us who have no barriers, you take a trip to your local Job Centre and see if there are any openings for Sun reporter or anything else which requires the most amoebic of intelligence, such as your email displays.

Also, Kensington.