Constantly asked questions

These are the questions that I receive day in and day out. While it may be the first time many of you think of something, it may come as a shock to you that someone smarter than you has already thought of it before you. I'm therefore listing all the questions on this page in the hope that people will think to check here first. We can but dream.

Hi Simon, is there life after death?
No, my dead spirit guide is just a figment of my imagination and I'm touring the country peddling a huge lie. What do you think!?

Simon, do all dogs go to heaven?
Of course they do, Don Bluth made a documentary about it several years ago with Gary Oldman. Compelling stuff.

What are next week's lottery numbers?
Yeah. I'd tell you if I knew that. You really expect me to share that with someone who lacks the intelligence to select six numbers on their own? Don't think so.

If I give you my number, would it be possible for you to give me a one to one telephone reading?
Listen, I get around 500 emails a day. More than 50 of them are from someone who thinks I want to "update my penis" whatever the hell that means, another 100 are from people who think I have an abundance of wrists which would necessitate a steady flow of Bvlgari and Rolex watches and almost all of the rest of them are from people asking me to give them one to one telephone readings. Let's assume each call takes 15 minutes... this would allow for four in an hour... does that answer your question?

I have all your books, could you please sign them for me?
How, exactly?

Hello Simon, I have all of your videos!
Keep them, I have BluRay now.

Where can I get a Weedgie bored?
Presumably in Glasgow.