My Blog

If you're interested in my thoughts, they're here for you to trawl through. Don't expect wondrous insight or groundbreaking anecdotes. I may be smarter than you, but part of that is because I know how much to hold back.

Date September 01, 2008
 

Yesterday I returned from my two month sabbatical in Dubai where I had to undergo an emergency operation. I've come back well rested and very refreshed... in fact certain people have commented that I look ten years younger. Can't think why. It surely must have been good for me to have all that rest after the operation.

My tour dates for next year have just been finalised. As expected, we have increased the number of cities by around 25% on last year's figures. Naturally. I was hoping for at least 35% but we have to wait for certain people to catch up with greatness, as it's not exactly easy for most of the common folk of this fine country.

I have to say though, I was most disappointed that I wasn't able to secure the Royal Albert Hall for my London shows. Apparently some nonsensical symphonic tour booked out those particular dates a few years in advance. Personally, I don't understand why they couldn't simply switch to Wembley and allow me to shine. There is only one of me, and almost one hundred in their little group so they'll only end up looking cramped anyway. Imbeciles.

Current Mood On top of the world
Listening To Nothing at the moment

Date July 03, 2008
 

My agent did his job correctly for a change and met with Stephen Queen's publishing company "Pulp Times" to "cross all the teas and dot all the eyes" as he put it. On the face of it, they seem as though they're marginally capable of handling my literary classics, but we can only wait and see.

I do have a slight concern, although I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing. Humphrey took great delight in showing me his vast Stephen Queen horror collection (heaven knows why, as though I'd be interested in make believe) and I assumed that this writer was perhaps in his 90s by now, given the sheer volume of his combined works.

It turns out that the few hundred books were written over the space of no more than thirty years. How any publisher can think it's fair to push the talent this much is beyond all natural comprehension, so I may end up having words.

By my reckoning, a work of art such as my latest creation should be enough to appease any publishing company or the vast legion of fans for at least a decade. One cannot force brilliance, after all.

Current Mood Quietly Confident
Listening To Bob musing over finally getting to meet Marilyn Monroe

Date June 24, 2008
 

The strangest thing happened yesterday morning, I got a call from Stephen Queen's literary agent saying that he'd very much like to have a one on one reading with me as he was a huge fan, naturally. I gave Humphrey a call to find out who this Stephen Queen was, as Humphrey has been known to read a book now and again... something which is common among those who aren't naturally intelligent... and it turns out that Stephen is the "Master of Horror" or something like that.

To cut a rather tiresome story short, I met with his UK publisher this morning and they've agreed to take on the publishing and distribution of my latest manuscript. I've still not heard anything back from Flicks Publishing anyway, shower of amateurs. How dare they.

Current Mood Quizzical
Listening To Angels singing my praise

Date June 22, 2008
 

Well it's now Sunday and they've still not delivered the first look at my new autobiography. I guarantee Gordon Ramsay doesn't have to keep calling his publisher to ask them for a copy of his own bloody book. Then again, he has so many books out he wouldn't have time to do all that cooking stuff if he did. Does he even cook anymore? Between all his TV shows and books its a wonder he can even open a tin of mushy peas anymore.

If the book isn't here by tomorrow afternoon, I'm switching publishers. Random House offered me less than Flicks Publishing but at least they know what they're doing.

Current Mood Annoyed
Listening To A desk fan

Date June 10, 2008
 

Got a call from the publisher this morning saying that the new book was ready for production. I'm feeling a bit concerned though as they said they were just waiting on the cartoonist supplying the cover artwork. Surely they mean an illustrator? I suppose an education isn't really required in the publishing industry, so I'll wait to see what turns up.

Current Mood Happy
Listening To Birdsong

Date May 15, 2008
 

Talk of the devil and two come along at once! My morning facial was interrupted by a telephone call from none other than Donald Swells, telling me that he and Richard Fidgets had convinced almost all of the "Places That Look Haunted..." crew to jump ship and embark on a brand new project with them.

Apparently, they're planning on competing with "Places That Look Haunted..." by offering a similar concept on a rival channel, under the name of "Hopefully Haunted". The premise remains pretty much the same but there will be two mediums (one to channel the nasty landowners and one to channel the raped maids) and we'd share equal billing with the historian, Richard Fidgets, who is taking on the role of presenter. They're trading in clipboards and camcorders for ouija boards and tables on castors. Sounds like a great idea, but it's not for me.

Current Mood Confused
Listening To Bob talking to the spirits about last night's football

Date May 13, 2008
 

Wandered into WH Smith today, just to see if the latest "So You're A Psychic?" magazine was out with yours truly gracing the front cover. It wasn't, unfortunately, but a few of the people hanging around knew who I was and I ended up spending some time chatting with them and signing autographs. That will have made their day perfect for them, bless. It feels good to be fantastic and loved so much.

One thing I did notice on my way back out was the bargain bin with an amazing amount of "Places That Look Haunted On Screen And That's Good Enough For Us" DVDs right at the top. Closer inspection showed that the usual crew of six no longer adorned the cover, but instead it was just a single photo of Fielding Chase with her hair blowing in the wind. Not sure what happened to the rest of the crew, but they're clearly not good enough to share cover space with Ms Chase.

I almost bought it, but I didn't have any cash on me and you need to spend more than £5 in Smiths to use a credit card. I didn't want to have to buy three full DVD sets just so I could use my card, so I went on my merry way once more.

Had tuna pasta salad for dinner.

Current Mood Hungry again
Listening To Korey Katana shrill voice advertising cardboard yorkshire puddings in sludge gravy

Date February 4, 2008
 

My first blog entry! A friend told me that I should do this in order to keep in touch with my fans. I'm happy to let them email my agent and answer one or two here or there but apparently it's now the "done thing" to let your fans know everything that you do. Fair enough, if it puts smiles on their little faces then it'll help them to remember and buy my books and DVDs.

So, this morning I got up at the usual time and went down for breakfast. Rupert had fixed a beautiful champagne breakfast with smoked salmon and quaills eggs and black truffles, as he does every morning. The morning paper hadn't arrived yet, although I'm sure that's down to Zeus and Apollo, my new guard dogs as we've had a lot less newspapers since they came along. Three different paper boys too, now that I come to think of it.

Watched some GMTV before heading through for my facial. I do love that weather girl in the morning. Can't remember her name, but it's not important anyway. My facial was as relaxing as ever and Lynda was using a different balm today so my skin is tingling even now as I write my blog for you.

I have a speaking engagement this evening at the Royal Horseguards in London, which I'm very much looking forward to. Not sure who I'm actually going to be speaking to but my standard spiel should be fine for them and I'm sure it'll be enough for them that someone such as myself has taken time out of my schedule to spend it with the little people.

I won't be able to write on my blog when I finish my engagement tonight as Horseguards have given me their superior suite for the night. I do hope it's better than The Savoy, that was most disappointing.

Fear not, I will write more in my blog tomorrow. I have enjoyed sharing my thoughts with you, my loyal fans, and so I give you my word that I will spend at least 15 minutes every day writing in my blog just for you.

Current Mood Pleased with self
Listening To Rosie Perez in "It Could Happen To You" as I can't find the remote control to mute her